I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
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Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.