If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
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I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Mission: Impossible
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it