Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
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*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
was Jim off killing horses or…
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.