My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
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You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
my first day as a raccoon
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Why is everyone getting married at me
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.