[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.