i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
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Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Namaste
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it