[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
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wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.