My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
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Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.