Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Browtweaten's best tweets

@Browtweaten : Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet? Rhino: What's in it for me? Bird: I'll warn you of danger Rhino: I don't have predators Bird: Rhino: Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

@Browtweaten: Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

@Browtweaten: Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

@Browtweaten: Centaur: *trips and falls* I broke my arm

Doctor: It's okay, I can fix it

Centaur: Oh God I broke my leg too

Doctor: *cocks rifle*

@Browtweaten: *As the Titanic sinks*

Bandleader: Next, we'd like to play something off our new album

Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO

@Browtweaten: God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean

Octopus: I'm cool with this, actually

@Browtweaten: Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming "my loneliness is killing me"

Me: That's a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

@Browtweaten: Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping

Oscar: I don't care, it's morbid and- oh hey Bert

Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*

Oscar: Hey Urn-ie

@Browtweaten: Therapist: Okay, let's go over this one more time

Me: This really isn't helping with my fear of bridges

@Browtweaten: Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*