Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Browtweaten's best tweets

@Browtweaten : *Game Character Treatment Center* Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you're here Pac-Man: Binge eating Lara Croft: Kleptomania Ryu: *crying* I can't stop fighting streets

@Browtweaten: *A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

@Browtweaten: Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

@Browtweaten: Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

@Browtweaten: God: You'll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don't wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I'm in

@Browtweaten: Happy: So there's saliva on the foot area of Snow White's glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

@Browtweaten: Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What's in it for me?

Bird: I'll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don't have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

@Browtweaten: Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

@Browtweaten: Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

@Browtweaten: Centaur: *trips and falls* I broke my arm

Doctor: It's okay, I can fix it

Centaur: Oh God I broke my leg too

Doctor: *cocks rifle*