Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Browtweaten's best tweets

@Browtweaten : Me: I'm really at the end of my rope Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

@Browtweaten: Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?

Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot

@Browtweaten: Wife: Are you doing what I asked?

Me: Of course I am *vacuum noises*

Wife: Did you just text "vacuum noises"?

Me: *dialtone noises*

@Browtweaten: Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

@Browtweaten: Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN'T THIS GUY BURNING

@Browtweaten: Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I've been made, over

@Browtweaten: Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

@Browtweaten: Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn't finding your baby

Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after

Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That's my boy

@Browtweaten: *First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

@Browtweaten: Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It's playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain't nothing but a mistake