Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Browtweaten's best tweets

@Browtweaten : Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror! First Mate: Look closely, Cap'n Captain: *studies* The treasure... is me? Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap'n! Captain: *sniff* Yarrr

@Browtweaten: Wife: You're not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I'm doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

@Browtweaten: Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who's fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

@Browtweaten: *At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

@Browtweaten: *God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out