Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Browtweaten's best tweets

@Browtweaten : *Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone* Lincoln: *spots a "Children At Play" sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

@Browtweaten: Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he'd like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: ...

Wife: Omg I can't take you anywhere

@Browtweaten: Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

@Browtweaten: Me: One more peep out of you kids and I'll turn this car around

Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*

Me: THAT'S IT

@Browtweaten: Magician: I'd like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I'll do it

Magician: You'll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He's good

Wife: What

@Browtweaten: Me: I'll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It'll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

@Browtweaten: *Time travels to the Garden of Eden*

Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit

Me: WAIT

Adam and Eve: *Staring*

Me: You gotta wash it first

@Browtweaten: *First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We're trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

@Browtweaten: Me, to everyone: Why can't I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can't I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

@Browtweaten: Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to