My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
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At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Sooo many times…..
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.