Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
You Might Also Like
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
sensitive skin
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
pizza