“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
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Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.