That’s incredible! 👌
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9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.