Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of C00LpenNAME's best tweets

@C00LpenNAME : 1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox... 2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

@C00LpenNAME: Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter...

it's the thought that counts

@C00LpenNAME: Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

@C00LpenNAME: *Job Interview

Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”

(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)

Me: “What...”
Manager *starts timer*

@C00LpenNAME: 12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

@C00LpenNAME: Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

@C00LpenNAME: A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don't use Web MD

@C00LpenNAME: I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

@C00LpenNAME: Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

@C00LpenNAME: "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu