If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
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Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I have two kinds of followers
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.