This meal prepping shit easy
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You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.