@CAshmanActor: [job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
@CAshmanActor: [at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
@CAshmanActor: pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
@CAshmanActor: doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
@CAshmanActor: CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* ... come in.
@CAshmanActor: [CRIME SCENE]
This looks like lead poisoning to me!
*Tugs nervously at his collar*