Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CAshmanActor's best tweets

@CAshmanActor : AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo? ME: No, I was happy with my first try.

@CAshmanActor: [farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son

@CAshmanActor: [job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

@CAshmanActor: [dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

@CAshmanActor: [at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

@CAshmanActor: pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?

@CAshmanActor: amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

@CAshmanActor: doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

@CAshmanActor: CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* ... come in.

@CAshmanActor: [CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*