Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CAshmanActor's best tweets

@CAshmanActor : ME: So how fast are you at making suits? TAYLOR SWIFT: ...

@CAshmanActor: *Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:... Mattress?

@CAshmanActor: TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

@CAshmanActor: Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

@CAshmanActor: People don’t invite me to their parties anymore...
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it...
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair...
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*

@CAshmanActor: Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I - OH DEAR GOD!!

@CAshmanActor: *God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this'uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He'll rob stuff lol

@CAshmanActor: Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*