[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
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I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
catch me on valentine’s day like
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination