Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
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Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Yes, but it was never about money
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
More like Kate Missington.