To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
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when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*