Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
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If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”