This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
You Might Also Like
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
See..?
.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
So glad we cleared that up
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.