Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CVTBaby's best tweets

@CVTBaby : I don't really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

@CVTBaby: If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don't laugh.

@CVTBaby: Him: Can you forgive me?

*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*

Me: Yes, but I'm really hurt so please give me time.

@CVTBaby: You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you're eating -- you ALWAYS spill something on it? It's cuz you're a pig.

@CVTBaby: Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

@CVTBaby: Dating tip:
Don't offer to pay.
It's a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the "happy couple."

@CVTBaby: It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I'm back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.

@CVTBaby: I don't ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I'm followed by someone with "my Lord and Savior" in their bio.

@CVTBaby: Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

@CVTBaby: When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, "she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy" not "drinking alone 2 nights in a row"