Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
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(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Mmmm canned fish.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.