I have so many questions.
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Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
just witnessed a drug deal
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case