If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
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[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Don’t we all.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Crying is a sign of leakness.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.