I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
You Might Also Like
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Dune (2021)
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…