hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
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The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.