detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
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I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.