Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
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Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
it was a valiant fight
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Huge, if true.