My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
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How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
A woman drives into a bar.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Canada has crack?
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.