I support this random dude and all his protests
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The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
My beach vacation Google searches
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Woke up against my better judgment again
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Challenge accepted.