Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
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The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
And that about sums it up.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.