Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
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My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…