If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth