Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
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me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
The options really are this bad
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED