My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
You Might Also Like
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
girls literally only want one thing..
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie