FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
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“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi