Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
You Might Also Like
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.