Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
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Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”