There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
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Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
wow
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box