Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CantWaitToNap's best tweets

@CantWaitToNap : *Seductively forgets you*

@CantWaitToNap: I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

@CantWaitToNap: Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

@CantWaitToNap: *Bites lower lip*

"So this is an abduction then?"

Cop: "Stop that. You're under arrest."

@CantWaitToNap: Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

@CantWaitToNap: I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

@CantWaitToNap: *Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

@CantWaitToNap: My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

@CantWaitToNap: Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

@CantWaitToNap: *Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.