cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
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My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?