Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CantWaitToNap's best tweets

@CantWaitToNap : “I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.

@CantWaitToNap: *Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

@CantWaitToNap: The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

@CantWaitToNap: Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

@CantWaitToNap: When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

@CantWaitToNap: Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

@CantWaitToNap: Spielberg's movie "Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

@CantWaitToNap: Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.

@CantWaitToNap: When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he's not inviting you for a three-way... I know this now.