ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
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Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog