Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Carbosly's best tweets

@Carbosly : "They grow up so fast." - Me, looking at my problems.

@Carbosly: Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

@Carbosly: Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

@Carbosly: The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I'm not even in the relationship and I've broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

@Carbosly: Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

@Carbosly: So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

@Carbosly: I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.

- Viagra addict

@Carbosly: Apparently, saying "make it a double" followed by an awkward wink doesn't work at the pharmacy.

@Carbosly: Being a hacker in the '80's was way easier.

*shakes vending machine until chocolate bars falls.

@Carbosly: "I'm scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious."

- Dogs