“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
You Might Also Like
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”