“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
You Might Also Like
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
The Assassin.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.