I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
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Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale