Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
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I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
#winning
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.