I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
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PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
The Onion called it…again.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.