Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
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Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape