A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
You Might Also Like
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person