DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
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Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn